The pandemic has changed lives forever. There have been severe physical and emotional damages within families; some repairable and some irreplaceable. Rooted with fear within the confines of lockdown, people across the globe were forced to isolate themselves from each other to stop the spread of the virus. I consider myself very lucky and grateful to have a roof above my head and food to eat, but my mental health deteriorated day by day.
I didn’t realise but with every passing day, locked within the four walls of our apartment, I was slowly distancing myself from my husband. I loved him dearly but the grim reality of the current situation was haunting me. I had never been forced to stay home before. Although I was married and expected to be a good wife, I have always been a free soul. My husband loved my adventurous personality and truth be told, we made a great pair. We had married by the end of 2018 and we were living a dream, going out for trips, dates and movie nights. We were the ‘cool’ couple.
All of this started fading when the coronavirus disrupted the world. We were confined within our homes and it hit me badly. Not being able to go outside and enjoy every minute of my day started burdening my mind. I felt a surge of emotions running through my mind and body within which despair, selfish thoughts and irritation overpowered the most. I felt selfish for wanting to spend time outside while the world was burning away and at the same time, I felt despair for what was happening to all of us. I couldn’t control my emotions, nor could I stop them.
Amidst such feelings, my husband started getting aloof. He seemed distant and I often found him lost in his thoughts. He focused himself on his work and I did the same. I started a blog where I wrote down my feelings. I must share that it was a very casual attempt; nothing serious. I recorded all my emotions in this place that I considered to be my safe haven, and nothing calmed me more; not even my husband’s presence.
We both had forgotten how to communicate with each other. We rarely talked and when we did, it was either about someone getting COVID or some political news on the TV. We had lost that spark and it was evident. After all those years, we both were no longer the ‘cool’ couple. I started envying my friends who posted pictures and videos of spending time with their partners at home and it irritated me even more to face the reality that my husband and I were nothing like them. I was comparing myself and I loathed it, even if I didn’t want to.
By the end of January 2021, I came to the realization that I no longer felt the same attraction or infatuation I had for my husband. I didn’t want to say the other thing out loud even though I knew once I said it, everything would be over. But I did. I had fallen out of love with my husband. Even though my husband is an honest, lovable man. It was a bitter truth that stung me every time I thought about it. There was no specific reason for me but simple, mere situations.
